


Anusamsmarati

by Dwij008



Category: Mahabharata - Vyasa
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:34:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24436732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dwij008/pseuds/Dwij008
Summary: Anusamsmarati- to long for someone who is absent.Whenever Abhimanyu remembered his father he could only picture the gentle, caring man who would pretend to be defeated by Abhi’s toy bow, who had taught him much despite their short time together, the man who had always been his hero.
Relationships: Abhimanyu & Arjuna (Mahabharata), Abhimanyu/Uttara(Mahabharata), Arjuna/Draupadi (Mahabharata), Arjuna/Subhadra(Mahabharata)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	Anusamsmarati

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AmbidextrousArcher](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmbidextrousArcher/gifts).



**The forest of Kamyaka**

Abhimanyu clung to Arjuna's neck. He was young still and did not understand much of what had happened. The only thing in his mind was that he wouldn’t see his father for a long time. _Thirteen years_ they said. Thirteen years felt like a lifetime to his young mind. His father caressed his head. “Your uncle waits for you, Son.” Abhimanyu turned to look at his uncle Krishna who gave him a gentle smile. Usually he loved to spend time with his uncle.Dwaraka was one of his favorite places, but not if his father wasn’t present. He buried his face in his father’s shoulder. His eyes met mother Panchali’s, who gave him a teary smile. Abhimanyu’s throat burned but he would not cry. He had no reason to cry. He was _not_ leaving.

Arjuna sighed. Abhimanyu had always been an obstinate child. He got that from his mother. He looked up at her now. She stared back but made no move to help him. Subhadra didn’t have a quick temper, but when provoked, even _Mahadeva_ himself couldn’t change her mind. Arjuna had never deserved her anger as much as he did now. Abhimanyu was too young to understand what had happened but one day he would. He only hoped his son wouldn’t hate him that day. His arms tightened around his son. A part of him wished that he could let all six of his sons stay. But he had duties here and he wouldn’t be able to give their training the attention it deserved. Besides, safety was a concern too. Only a few days ago, Kirmira the brother of Bakasura had attacked. The children had to go. Gently, he disengaged from his son. The copper colored eyes, so like his own, were filled with tears but Arjuna knew Abhi wouldn’t let them fall. Forcing him to leave wouldn’t work, he had to try a different tactic. “Fine, then.” He said, pretending defeat. “Stay here.” Abhi’s eyes widened. “Really?” Arjuna nodded. “Now, Uncle Krishna won’t be able to teach you all the new _astras_ and _vyuhas_ that he learned from his _acharya_. But that’s alright, I suppose. You don’t need to learn anything new.” Arjuna shook his head sadly. Abhi whirled around to look at his uncle. “New astras?” Krishna nodded. “Yes. I suppose only Samva will know them now.” He said regretfully. The trick almost worked, but Abhi was Krishna’s nephew, he wasn’t going to fall for it so easily. “But you know everything.” He turned to his father. “Not everything. I’m going to learn new Astras too, you know. I can’t teach you until I return.” At least this was true. His own arsenal wasn’t enough for the war, he had to learn more. For a moment, the child was uncertain. “I’ll go.” He finally said. “But you promise to teach me when you return?” _I_ _f you would want to learn from me then_ Arjuna thought but didn’t say it aloud. “I promise.” He said instead. “Now go and learn everything from Uncle Krishna.” Abhi grinned, all sadness forgotten. “I’m going to learn new pranks too.” Arjuna laughed. “I’m certain you will.” 

**Dwaraka, a few years later.**

Abhimanyu stared at the floor. He knew his mother was disappointed. “Will you tell me what happened this time?” Mother’s voice was weary. “Forgive me, mother. I lost my temper.” He was about to tell her the reason he had punched uncle Krishna’s son, Samva, but stopped. _Do not demean an apology with excuses._ He didn’t remember when or why father had said it, but the words came to him as they often did, in his father’s voice. Besides she already knew what had happened. It had happened a thousand times before. Samva had made an unkind comment about his father and Abhi had taught him a lesson with his fist. “We live in his home, Abhi. It isn’t right to hit him, whatever the reason.” She caressed his head. Indignation rose within him. “This is your home too!” He couldn’t stop himself. Subhadra sighed. “You are fourteen now, Abhi. Almost a young man and you are well aware of our situation. Tell me, what is the mark of a great warrior?” His mother’s voice had a hard edge. A few days ago, she had told him what had happened on that fateful day. What his father had done or not done. How mother Panchali had suffered. She had told him how he needed to become a strong warrior. “I will be just like Father.” He had promised. Mother had given him a searching look afterwards. Perhaps she felt the story would change his feelings about father. But try as he might Abhi couldn’t hate him. He felt frustrated about his father’s behavior that day. But whenever he remembered his father he could only picture the gentle, caring man who would pretend to be defeated by Abhi’s toy bow, who had taught him much despite their short time together, the man who had always been his hero. Abhi couldn’t hate that man, though he felt resentment every time he thought of what they had lost, and how mother Panchali had suffered. _Restraint, Abhi. Any beast with strength in his arms can kill, what separates a beast from a warrior is the ability to control that strength_. Father’s voice echoed in his mind again. “Restraint.” He answered her. “But mother, is it not restraint that stopped father.. that day.” Immediately he regretted asking her. Normally, he only badgered uncle Krishna, aunt Satyabhama or uncle Satyaki about his father. He knew mother got sad when he brought him up. She pulled him close now. “I never asked him. I was too angry to hear his justification.” She confessed. “He wouldn’t have given any. He always said to never demean an apology with excuses.” It was comforting, talking about this with her. “Do you hate him, mother?” He asked earnestly. “Oh, Abhi. Of course not. I could never hate him. I was just angry.” Her arms tightened around him. Usually Abhi shied away from such display of affection since he was a young man now. But in this moment it felt right to be held by her. “I miss him.” He whispered. “I miss him, too.” Her voice was hoarse with suppressed tears. Abhi knew then, that she had needed to admit this as much as he did. 

**Dwaraka, two years later.**

Abhi grinned triumphantly as the bow flew from Shatanik's hand and landed in the dust. Had they used sharp arrows instead of blunted ones it would've been sliced in two. He always loved these mock chariot duels. Because he won every time. _Well, almost every time_ Abhi thought as his eyes fell on their Guru, Bhrata Pradyumna, uncle Krishna’s eldest son. He was the only one who could humble Abhi easily. There was uncle Krishna too, but he never joined their duels. “That hurt, Bhrata!” Shatanik shouted, but Abhi only laughed. “Learn to catch up then!” He winked at his younger brother as they made their way towards Pradyumna and the rest of his brothers . Pradyumna would dissect their duels one by one, telling them of any missed opportunities where they could’ve struck or moments where it would’ve been better to go on the defensive rather than strike. Usually uncle Krishna would be present, giving inputs of his own but he hadn't returned from visiting their parents yet. When Abhi was younger, he would insist on accompanying his uncle on these visits. He had even tried to sneak into Uncle Krishna’s chariot once but had been caught by Aunt Satyabhama. Mother hadn't talked to him for a whole day after that. It had been mother Panchali who had forbidden the children from the visits. Nobody told him why. Things had become better a few years ago when his five brothers had come to stay in Dwaraka. Here at last were his brothers. They suffered the same as him. They understood. If not for that disastrous day they would’ve been home, training under his father. It would've been his father, standing in Pradyumna's place, smiling proudly at him. Abhi felt a pang at that thought. As they neared, he grinned again watching Bhrata Sutasoma’s sulky expression. He had been trounced easily by Bhrata Prativindhya. Srutasen and Srutakiriti stood a little apart, perhaps discussing their own duel. Srutakiriti, the youngest among them, had managed to fight Srutasen to a stalemate today. They had all been proud, none more than Srutasen himself. Bhrata Pradyumna had just started the discussion when they were interrupted by Bhanu, aunt Satyabhama's son. “They’re here.” He panted. Uncle Krishna and aunt Satyabhama had returned from their visit. 

It was the mention of his father’s name that stopped Abhi in his tracks. They had dispersed quickly, all thoughts of duels forgotten as they hurried to get news of their parents but uncle Krishna was already in the Sudharma hall with other Yadava chiefs. Disappointed, Abhi had decided to go to his mother’s rooms instead. Perhaps Aunt Satyabhama would be there. He was right, she was there with his mother and they were talking of father. Almost instinctively, Abhi hid behind the door. Sure, eavesdropping was deplorable, but in his experience there was no better way of getting information. At least the interesting sort. “Panchali is as well as she can be. She has cheered up more since Arjun returned.” Aunt Satyabhama was saying. There was a moment's silence. “He is also well, by the way.” She continued pointedly. “Good to know.” Mother replied shortly. Aunt Satyabhama sighed. “You know Bhadre, I over heard _Aryaputr_ talking to Draupadi. He told her that the events of that day are not her burden to carry.” She paused. “That burden isn’t yours either, Subhadra.” Mother sighed. “I… I know. Sometimes it just feels like a betrayal. To, think of him, to miss him.” Abhi had never heard his mother sound this way. The two women hugged. “Draupadi wouldn’t think that way. She missed him too, when he was gone...” He couldn’t catch any more of her words for a hand on his shoulder startled it. “Eavesdropping, Abhi?” It was uncle Krishna. “How disappointing.” He was shaking his head. “Oh please uncle! I learned it from you.” Uncle laughed, quietly. “Now, come. If those two catch us, I'll be punished for your crime.”  
  


They were in the balcony of uncle Krishna’s chamber. It was Abhi’s favorite spot. It was Father’s too, uncle Krishna had told him. They sat in silence as Abhi gathered his thoughts. “I’ve never heard mother sound that way.” He finally spoke. Uncle's face turned serious. “It is said that all of this will end in a battlefield. But truth be told, these years have been a battle in themselves. For all of us.” Abhi had never understood how his uncle could be playful one second, and full of serious wisdom in another. But that was uncle Krishna. “But it will be over soon right? In just over a year?” Abhi felt like a child, asking that but uncle Krishna had never judged him. “Yes. But this last year will be the hardest.” He had a faraway look in his eyes. They sat in silence again, each with his thoughts. Then suddenly, Abhi grinned. “Father has returned with new Astras!” Uncle grinned too. “Yes he has.” “Tell me everything.” Abhi felt like he would burst with excitement. Uncle Krishna laughed. They talked well into the night, until mother finally dragged him away for dinner.   
  


**Matsya, A year later**   
  


Never in his life had Arjuna been so nervous. They were coming. Subhadra and his sons were coming. They were all young men now. He had received news of their progress through the years from Krishna’s visits. He had never dared to ask if they knew about that day. Somehow, he wanted to hold on to the thought of all those little boys looking up to him, with love and admiration. He wondered if it would be replaced with resentment now. Subhadra had been too angry the last time they were together. He hoped against hope that it had abated at least a little by now. He thought of the princess Uttara. The bubbly, chirpy girl that he had already accepted as a daughter-in- law. What would Abhi think of his decision? Abhi, his sweet little boy, ever curious about the world, was a young man now. Did he remember his father, who used to carry him on his shoulders? Or did he only resent the man that had sent him away to Dwaraka for thirteen long years? A light touch on his arm interrupted his thoughts. “I know what you are thinking.” Panchali’s voice was solemn. Arjun looked at her. “How can I expect forgiveness from anyone else when even I cannot forgive myself?” His voice was a little hoarse. “Oh, Parth…” She placed a hand on his cheek. He leaned into the touch. “I found it easier to face all the Kuru warriors with their army.” He smiled wryly. “From what Krishna says, our sons are no less than them. Each one has become a great warrior. Especially Abhi. He's a better warrior than even his father, I hear.” She teased, drawing a genuine smile from him. “There! That’s how you're supposed to greet our sons. Not with that long face which makes you look like a horse.” Arjun laughed. “I do not look like a horse. Haven’t you heard the bards? I'm either a lion among men or a bull of Kuru's race!” “I think I’ve heard something about elephants in rut too.” She quipped. “You, Devi, have very scandalous taste in poetry.” That had them going again. It was a long time since Arjun had seen her laugh like this. She was right, seeing their sons again was an occasion of happiness. The nervousness in his mind wasn’t completely dispelled, but it certainly didn’t loom over him like before. 

**On the way to matsya**

Abhimanyu couldn’t sit still. He was going to see father again! He had so much to say to him, so much to ask, so much to learn. He was going to learn everything from him this time. Especially the Chakravyuha. He was even more excited to show his newest gift from Uncle Balrama to father. The Raudra bow. Uncle had gifted it to him after a particularly spirited duel when he had handled Uncle Satyaki, Kritavarma, and a few soldiers together. He carried it with him everywhere from that day. He stroked it now, almost lovingly. “Your father acts the same with his Gandiva.” Mother said from beside him. “I thought you were asleep.” “I was. But then someone beside me didn’t like that. Since he refuses to sit still.” Abhi grinned sheepishly. “Well, I can’t help it! We're going to see father again. And mother Panchali. And uncle Bheem. Oh! I bet he has some great stories about bloody duels with Rakshasas!” Mother laughed. “Abhi! They’re going to think you're still a little boy, badgering them for stories!” “Well! They missed out on thirteen years of badgering, especially father.” Abhi's eyes twinkled mischievously. “Oh, I'm sure a certain princess and your wedding has nothing to do with this excitement.” Mother was in a mischievous mood herself. But Abhi felt somber. He hadn't thought about that much. In Dwaraka he had been completely focused on his training and on the eventual war that awaited him. Besides he always thought Bhrata Prativindhya and Sutasoma would marry before him. But then Uncle Krishna had called him into his chambers and told him of father’s promise to King Virata. He had explained why it was specifically Abhi who had to marry her. He hadn’t known what to think then. Father had given his word. Abhi would’ve preferred to be asked first _. I cannot think this way. Not about Father._ He had turned his mind to the things he felt comfortable with. Weapons, battles, adventure. “Abhimanyu.” Mother was frowning. “Son, if you do not feel comfortable with this…” “No! Father has given his word. It is my duty to keep it.” Abhi said firmly. He would never shrink from his duties. Father would expect nothing less. Mother stared at him, with a peculiar look. “All our lives have been ruled by duty. I had hoped to spare you that.” She said finally. “Uncle Krishna says that happiness and duty aren’t mutually exclusive.” Mother smiled. “Your uncle has a solution for everything.” Abhi smiled too. Then, his mind turned to father. What would he be like now? Had the trip for the Divyastras changed him? He remembered when father had finally returned from the Rajasuya campaign. Abhi had jumped in his arms and insisted on being carried around everywhere. He was too old for that now, though he still felt the same giddiness. He had so many questions! About the Divyastras, father’s battles on that excursion and the battle in Viratnagar. Especially the battle in Viratnagar. His father had systematically trounced every Kuru warrior. Abhi had almost jumped in excitement when he heard that. How he wished he had been there! But this was the last time. Abhi promised himself. _Next time father goes to war, I'm going with him. And I’m going to make him proud_. “Mother…” “Yes?” “I’m never going to let go of father again, not for all the Astras in the world. I’m going to learn everything from him and only him.” Mother smiled. “Let the war be over first. After that, you and your father will have plenty of time to even create new Vyuhas.” Abhi nodded. _Yes, they were going to have plenty of time after. And they were going to be together for all of it_. “I’m going to make him promise not leave me again.” Subhadra laughed. “Something tells me, he's not going to let you out of his sight either.” The chariot came to an abrupt halt. They were in Matsya. They were home. For, in Abhi’s mind, home would always be the place where he was with father. 


End file.
